I’ve written before about how I have been obsessed with plans. I have notebooks of lists, had my mind set on everything that I was going to achieve and when I was going to achieve it by. If life has taught me one thing then it would be not to let life pass you by whilst you’re busy making plans. The thing is that life has a habit of of not working to your plan and I’ve started to think that maybe we are setting ourselves up for failure by sticking to a strict plan of how we want things to go. I am not saying that we shouldn’t know which direction in life that we want to go, I think that it is important to have ambition and not to just drift through life without any sort of idea what you want to do or the person you want to be. I now think though that it is important to be somewhat relaxed about your goals in life. It is all well and good being motivated to achieve, but there are no rules that say you must achieve everything by a certain date or time in your life. There is no point in achieving them at all if real life and enjoyment is passing you by.
I had my life mapped out in front of me from a very young age. It most certainly didn’t include not going to university straight after school, or being ill, divorced, penniless and a single mother long before I hit 30. I was going to have it all. A successful career, a loving husband and children (by the age of 25), be comfortable and healthy. I grew up always putting pressure on myself. I had to have the best grades, have the fastest lap time in a race and have everyone like me. By mapping out everything and having to be good at it all, I made some very bad choices in my relationships which left me in situations that nobody should ever have to experience, and I made myself very ill. I also missed out on a lot of fun. When something didn’t go to plan, I got anxious. I couldn’t cope in a situation that was not ‘in my plan of things’ and became so ill that it sometimes feels that I have not been able to make the most of my little girl growing up and have passed by opportunities and letting good people into my life.
I have often said that if I could go back and do things differently then I would, but I am not too sure. Of course, if I could go back and miss out on the hurt, pain and illness, I would. Who wouldn’t? But then I wonder if this was all part of His plan for me. If I hadn’t followed this path in my life then I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter and I would not have the strength to believe that I can survive anything and that I can cope on my own. Maybe I was selfish going back to university when my daughter was young. Would I do it again if I had a young child? Maybe not, but I hope that I have been a positive role model in showing her that if you work hard then you can achieve.
I have started to let go of ‘my plans’ a bit now. I am not where I expected to be in my life and I do have some regrets, I think that is only natural. I find it comforting to let go of some of the control that I needed in my life (ironically, I didn’t actually have any it would seem!) and to hand it over to Him. I am ready to enjoy my life. I still have plans of where I would like to go professionally but I am relaxed enough to believe that there is no rush whilst still having the desire to get there eventually. If for some reason I don’t get there it will be because He has a different plan out there for me, which will lead me down a better path. I still have my demons but for now though I am going to enjoy the ride being a mother and girlfriend and thanking Him for bringing them into my life and showing me how good it can be, with the love of the right people.
On a lighter note (and because I’ve rambled for too long), I’ve been enjoying stripes again as the weather has decided to take a turn for the worse and keeping warm is once again necessary. I really need to carry my camera around with me more but as you can hopefully see I’ve been opting for lighter layering to cope with the unpredictable weather recently. Both cardigans are from Primark, a bargain at £6.00 each and the leggings / trousers / jersey tops and boots are all from New Look 🙂